The most important question you’ll ever ask
Remember those days when the biggest worry you had was whether you'd done enough to make your parents proud? Whether it was acing a test, winning a race, or just being the quiet child they always wanted you to be, there was this constant, nagging need for approval.
Fast forward to adulthood, and you might find yourself wondering why, despite all the achievements or the milestones you've reached, there's still a void, a sense of dissatisfaction, or even a lingering sadness you can't quite shake off.
Many of us carry the weight of our parents' expectations, not realising that the approval we sought as children has morphed into an invisible chain that holds us back from truly embracing who we are or could be. It's like we're members of a secret society we call family, governed by laws and expectations so deeply ingrained in us that we're not even aware they exist.
At some point along the journey, many of us find ourselves wondering why we think or act the way we do.
For some, it’s becoming a parent ourselves.
For others, it’s a major life event, like turning 40 or losing a beloved family member.
And recently, we’ve noticed it happening to Heumans just like you.
Adults investigating or waiting for a professional diagnosis. Or - more often than not - people who have recently begun taking medication, giving them access to memories, tools and entire parts of their brain they’ve never had before.
The good news is there’s one very simple, yet incredibly powerful question that will help.
Ask yourself;
As a child, what did I need to do to win the support and approval of my parents?
Were there particular behaviours you had to display?
Like being quiet around the house?
Or did it seem like more of a comparison between a sibling? Always needing to appear assertive, submissive or more successful?
Here are four more questions that may help break it down further;
To please my father, I needed to…
To please my mother, I needed to…
Not to upset my mother, I needed to…
Not to upset my father, I needed to…
The rules were never entirely clear, yet the consequences of breaking them felt all too real.
We learned to navigate these paradoxical commands, trying to grow yet not outshine, to be close yet not too dependent. It's a dance we never truly master, leaving us feeling lost, even in our own lives.
Yet just when we think we've outgrown these childhood needs for approval, they sneak up on us in the most unexpected ways. That fear of success? It might just be you trying not to outshine a sibling, to avoid invoking a parent's jealousy or disappointment. That tendency to appease authority figures at all costs? Perhaps it's an old survival tactic, a way to avoid the wrath of a once volatile caregiver.
So, where do we go from here?
First, it's about acknowledging that these invisible chains exist. It's about understanding that the approval we sought as children doesn't have to define our worth as adults.
It's a journey of self-discovery, of asking ourselves tough questions about what we're still doing to win that long-lost approval and whether those childhood laws still serve us.
Breaking free from the past isn't about forgetting where we came from. It's about taking stock of the "secret society” we were born into and deciding which laws we want to keep and which we're ready to leave behind.
It's about realising that we might have been acting the part of the clown, the meek little girl, the terrified victim, or daddy's favourite, not because that's who we are, but because that's who we thought we needed to be.
If you're feeling lost, depressed, or just can't shake off the feeling that there's more to life than this, know that you're not alone. Many of us are on this journey, trying to untangle the knots of our past so we can weave a future that's truly our own. It's not an easy journey, but it's a worthwhile one.
